When you're a single parent dating
can be nerve-wracking, difficult, and confusing. It can also be a lot of fun.
As long as you have respect for yourself and are careful around your children,
dating as a single parent can be a good experience - and just might bring a
wonderful new partner into your life.
Single
Parent Challenges
Simply being a single parent does
set up natural barriers to dating.
- You have to hire a babysitter. Even high-school kids
charge a lot for babysitting these days, and you can only rely on friends
and family members so often.
- You have built-in roommates. When you have roommates -
in this case, your kids - inviting your date in becomes an issue. Cozy
evenings at home may be out of the question, at least at first.
- You can't stay out too late. You'll need to take the
babysitter home, and you'll want to be alert when your kids wake up in the
morning.
- You have other uses for your money. When you're single,
blowing a lot of money on a date may not make a huge impact to your
financial plans. When you have kids, you have college funds and school
clothes to think about.
- You're part of a package deal. It's not just about you
anymore; you have to consider whether your children will like this person
as much as you do and whether he or she will make a good potential
step-parent. Plus, you have to find someone who not only likes kids but is
interested in yours as well.
·
So if you've met a great guy or girl
who has kids, rather than looking for faults with the situation, think of
constructive ways to make it work. When you're starting out, always refer to
the parent when the time comes to spend time with the children. Parents know
their children better than anyone; they know their temperament and how far to
push boundaries. Other things to consider is the ex partner, or the other
biological parent. Children in these situations find it difficult to except a
new parent figure so leave it up to your sweetie to integrate you into the
family bit by bit.
·
When you do ultimately spend time
getting to know the children, think of it this way, they're just little humans,
not a foreign species. You do not need to transform overnight into a parental
image, or should you feel obliged be their best friend - just be yourself.
Children are more perceptive than many adults realize, and they resent
insincerity.
·
Single parents often struggle to
find and meet other singles. They have even more difficulty finding a partner
who will accept their situation. Online dating is an ideal match making option
for single parents. It allows men and women to find each other based on common
interests and values. There are many thousands of single parents searching for
love, and online dating provides a great platform to browse through singles
profiles to find an appropriate mate.
·
As with anything in life, clear
thinking and communication is fundamental to making things work. As a
non-parent coming into a relationship with someone who has kids, you don't have
to profess to be skilled in raising kids. And if things work out, there's every
chance you'll become part of a new family and find romance at the same time.
·
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/5448070
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/5448070
One of the biggest challenges in
single-parent dating is competition for the parent's attention and affection.
The children may be used to a level of focus from the parent that's hard to
share with some new man or woman in your life.
And it's not just the kids who will
pressure you as a dating single parent. The adult who you're dating has needs
too. That person is going out with you for a reason: they enjoy your company
and your attention and spending time with you.
So if you're a single parent who's
in a relationship, prepare to feel caught in the middle. Get used to being
there. And start accumulating some tools to deal with it.
- The child is, on one hand, expressing a healthy need
for reassurance that they aren't going to be replaced or left behind.
Reassure them that they are your top priority and always will be.
- The child is, on the other hand, learning from early on
how to share. That includes sharing what every child thinks is his or hers
to demand whenever they want: namely your undivided attention. That's not
some sort of inalienable right. Sure, kids need and deserve a ton of your
attention. But even in the absence of a new boyfriend or girlfriend,
parents are entitled to say “This is my time now.”
- Teaching a child to share not just their toys but YOU
is actually a gift you're giving them that will make life easier for them
as kids, teens, and adults.
- Adult boyfriends and girlfriends need to share too.
They are the ADULTS so should be mature, and work with you as you seek
balance. If they don't appreciate that you're a package deal, the
relationship can't succeed.
·
Dating can be a challenge at the
best of times but can become a bit trickier when children are involved. This by
no means indicates that single parents are not worthy of your time or effort.
It merely reflects that certain different challenges may have to be looked at
before you leap in to this relationship.
·
If the person you are considering
dating has a long line of broken relationships in their past, this has to be
evaluated very carefully. Usually, where there is smoke, there is also fire.
Anyone who has a checkered or dubious relationship track record is someone who
has issues not yet dealt with.
·
A second
point to consider is the length of time the person has been out of their past
relationship. Each relationship end is traumatic no matter what the
circumstances. A person must grieve this loss and re-adapt to the single life
before he or she is truly ready for a new relationship. People who jump heedlessly
and quickly into a new relationship before properly healing from the last one
can spell trouble for you down the road.
·
Supposing
that your new intended has moved past all of these issues, what then is the
next step? Be prepared to include the child/children in the relationship in
small casual steps. Understand that the children usually have no choice in the
decision to bring a new partner into the household. There may be issues of
jealousy, anger and fear to deal with. This is both normal and understandable
behavior and can be successfully dealt with.
·
Being open,
honest and understanding can be a great starting point. If children are to be a
part of your future, then they need to be assimilated into the relationship in
small, easy for them to understand steps. You need to know upfront that these
kids already have two parents, whether they are currently together or not. You
cannot be a "replacement" in any way, shape or form. This is unfair
to all parties involved.
·
If you
decide to take this relationship to the "next level", be very sure
you have discussed in advance any issues involving the kids. In other words,
talk about values, expectations, parenting styles and rules. Who will be the
disciplinarian in this scenario? What will your adult role/responsibilities be?
How will you fit into the family structure as a whole?
·
Be prepared
for your new partner to put the considerations of the child ahead of your own
at times. If this person is a good parent you will need to understand that you
may at times have to take a backseat to the wants and needs of a child.
·
Partners
have to work very closely together with the kids to reconstruct a new family
unit that is beneficial to all. Communication and understanding are vital
components to make this a success. As a man, you cannot be put in a
position of being nothing more than financially responsible for the kids. As a
woman be very careful you are not simply a nanny or the chief cook. These
scenarios are doomed to failure.
·
In summary,
many single parents go on to successful and fulfilling new relationships.
Remember that if it is worth having, then it certainly has to be worth
"fighting" for.
Whether you’re a fifteen-year-old girl who’s out on her
first date ever with the boy next door, or a forty-year-old single dad of three
kids who’s out on his first date with a friend’s coworker three years after a
painful divorce. Whether you’re a fifteen-year-old girl who’s out on her first
date ever with the boy next door, or a forty-year-old single dad of three kids
who’s out on his first date with a friend’s coworker three years after a
painful divorce, dating poses a lot of challenges that need to be overcome
before it can be exciting, as it is should be. However, the challenges for the
single parent are undeniably greater, but this shouldn't deter you from testing
the waters. Overcoming the challenges is part of the fun, and the first step is
identifying what they are so that you wouldn't be caught off-guard. For your
quick reference, here’s a list:
1.) Your children are resistant to the idea of you dating. You want to go out on dates, but your kids want the exact opposite. The best thing you can do is to have a heart-to-heart talk with them. Help them realize that although you’re planning to let someone else into your lives, they’re still and always will be your top priority.
2.) You don’t have time to go on dates. Even though this may be true for some people, for most, it is merely an excuse. You can squeeze in time for dating if you've completely opened yourself up to the idea. For one weekend, hire a trusted babysitter or ask a close friend to look after your kids. For once in your life, make time for yourself.
3.) You don’t know where to find dating prospects. You finally decided to try out dating, but you don’t have anyone in mind. It’s time to join organizations and clubs that focus on your hobbies and interests. By building your social network, you are also increasing your pool of possible dating partners.
4.) You think that not a lot of people would want to go out with someone who has excess baggage. You’re not very excited about dating primarily because you think your children are perceived by many others as an unwanted complication. Though that may be true for some people, but for others, they just don’t care if you have kids. The one thing they care about is whether or not you’re compatible with them.
5.) You want to protect your children. You meet a wonderful person, but deep down you wonder if what you see is what you get. Don’t worry, you’re not paranoid. Stories of sexual predators and physical abusers may not happen everyday, but they do occur. To make sure that your kids are safe from shady personalities, get to thoroughly know the person you’re going out with before you let your kids get too close.
6.) You’re afraid to get your children emotionally involved. You’re worried that if you get hurt, your children will be hurt, too. This is one thing that’s hard to avoid, because as their parent, your kids can pick up if you’re feeling miserable. However, you can help lessen the pain in the first place by keeping your private life away from your kids’ eyes. They may know who you’re going out with, but they don’t have to know details about arguments and fights.
7.) You don’t want to be a serial dater. In the quest of finding someone you truly like, you may end up going from one person to the other if no one meets the standards you have set. Although for you this is just part of the process of finding someone worthy, you’re worried that you’re not setting up a good example for your children if you’re perceived as a serial dater. Again, talking to your kids regarding the matter helps a lot. Being discreet about your personal life also helps, too.
These seven challenges are just a few of what you will encounter once you start dating again. As you’ve noticed, most of them involve your children. This should come as no surprise to you, because you know that your kids will always be your concern. To make things easy for you, make sure that your relationship with your children is a solid one with a good foundation. If you’re a great parent to them, your kids will be more supportive of you.
1.) Your children are resistant to the idea of you dating. You want to go out on dates, but your kids want the exact opposite. The best thing you can do is to have a heart-to-heart talk with them. Help them realize that although you’re planning to let someone else into your lives, they’re still and always will be your top priority.
2.) You don’t have time to go on dates. Even though this may be true for some people, for most, it is merely an excuse. You can squeeze in time for dating if you've completely opened yourself up to the idea. For one weekend, hire a trusted babysitter or ask a close friend to look after your kids. For once in your life, make time for yourself.
3.) You don’t know where to find dating prospects. You finally decided to try out dating, but you don’t have anyone in mind. It’s time to join organizations and clubs that focus on your hobbies and interests. By building your social network, you are also increasing your pool of possible dating partners.
4.) You think that not a lot of people would want to go out with someone who has excess baggage. You’re not very excited about dating primarily because you think your children are perceived by many others as an unwanted complication. Though that may be true for some people, but for others, they just don’t care if you have kids. The one thing they care about is whether or not you’re compatible with them.
5.) You want to protect your children. You meet a wonderful person, but deep down you wonder if what you see is what you get. Don’t worry, you’re not paranoid. Stories of sexual predators and physical abusers may not happen everyday, but they do occur. To make sure that your kids are safe from shady personalities, get to thoroughly know the person you’re going out with before you let your kids get too close.
6.) You’re afraid to get your children emotionally involved. You’re worried that if you get hurt, your children will be hurt, too. This is one thing that’s hard to avoid, because as their parent, your kids can pick up if you’re feeling miserable. However, you can help lessen the pain in the first place by keeping your private life away from your kids’ eyes. They may know who you’re going out with, but they don’t have to know details about arguments and fights.
7.) You don’t want to be a serial dater. In the quest of finding someone you truly like, you may end up going from one person to the other if no one meets the standards you have set. Although for you this is just part of the process of finding someone worthy, you’re worried that you’re not setting up a good example for your children if you’re perceived as a serial dater. Again, talking to your kids regarding the matter helps a lot. Being discreet about your personal life also helps, too.
These seven challenges are just a few of what you will encounter once you start dating again. As you’ve noticed, most of them involve your children. This should come as no surprise to you, because you know that your kids will always be your concern. To make things easy for you, make sure that your relationship with your children is a solid one with a good foundation. If you’re a great parent to them, your kids will be more supportive of you.
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