Ok now that that's done....

Hey all.  I know I said that I was going to try to post, and I haven't.  I got caught up in trying to pass some tests so I can get a better paying job.... well I have now passed my tests. Yay... now on to that better job.  Speaking of job... I need to get ready for work.. I will post more later... Things are coming up rosey.....

When to tell Mr. right that you have children.

It has been a few years and mom and dad are ready to date again. When should the kids be introduced to the new man or woman in your life?  Here are some tips for doing just that.

Take it slow.  You should plan on introducing your kids to your significant other; when you feel that this person is going to be a permanent part of you and your kids’ lives.  Kids, depending on their age, take time to adjust.  They may feel that the new partner is trying to replace the missing parent.  Reassure your kids that this is not the case.

Show them a picture of your new partner.  Tell them interesting things about the person.  Answer any questions that they may have regarding him or her.

When the kids are ready to meet this person, choose a neutral place.  Children may feel that another adult in the house threatens them in some way. They are ready for you to date, but not ready to see another potential parent figure in their home. 

Go to a movie that everyone can enjoy and have a nice dinner.  Each person gets to talk to each other and the kids.  Observe how they interact and how they deal with different situations.  The next day, ask your kids what they thought of the person.  Take their feedback t heart when deciding on the next step.

Prepare your partner for some hostility when they come over to the house.  You don’t expect the kids to act rudely, but they need to adjust to the new person.  On the other hand, inform the children that your partner is coming over and what you expect from them.  If the kids have any objections, during your conversation is the time to get those feelings out in the open so they can be addressed. 

To make the meeting not so formal, host a cookout at the house.  Invite friends and family over so they can meet the new person in your life.  Let the kids get a chance to interact with the new partner before the festivities begin.  The kids get the opportunity to settle in with him or her but the cookout keeps the pressure off of them to spend the entire evening with your partner.

Don’t force a meeting for the sake of the relationship.  Tell your partner up front that your kids come first.  You want the relationship to work but not at the kid’s expense.  When the kids are ready to meet, then the meeting will take place.

Along these same lines, if you have to break a date due to the kids needing your attention, schedule and alternate time.  Don’t just let the date go by forgotten.  If you value both relationships, be flexible in scheduling.  The kids will see that you do care about this person and them at the same time. 

Introducing your child to your new partner is important.  They will become a part of the child’s life as well as yours.  Don’t be impatient about the meeting. When the time is right, it will happen.

When you're a single parent dating can be nerve-wracking, difficult, and confusing. It can also be a lot of fun. As long as you have respect for yourself and are careful around your children, dating as a single parent can be a good experience - and just might bring a wonderful new partner into your life.

Single Parent Challenges

Simply being a single parent does set up natural barriers to dating.

• You have to hire a babysitter. Even high-school kids charge a lot for babysitting these days, and you can only rely on friends and family members so often.
• You have built-in roommates. When you have roommates - in this case, your kids - inviting your date in becomes an issue. Cozy evenings at home may be out of the question, at least at first.
• You can't stay out too late. You'll need to take the babysitter home, and you'll want to be alert when your kids wake up in the morning.
• You have other uses for your money. When you're single, blowing a lot of money on a date may not make a huge impact to your financial plans. When you have kids, you have college funds and school clothes to think about.
• You're part of a package deal. It's not just about you anymore; you have to consider whether your children will like this person as much as you do and whether he or she will make a good potential step-parent. Plus, you have to find someone who not only likes kids but is interested in yours as well.

·         So if you've met a great guy or girl who has kids, rather than looking for faults with the situation, think of constructive ways to make it work. When you're starting out, always refer to the parent when the time comes to spend time with the children. Parents know their children better than anyone; they know their temperament and how far to push boundaries. Other things to consider is the ex partner, or the other biological parent. Children in these situations find it difficult to except a new parent figure so leave it up to your sweetie to integrate you into the family bit by bit.

·         When you do ultimately spend time getting to know the children, think of it this way, they're just little humans, not a foreign species. You do not need to transform overnight into a parental image, or should you feel obliged be their best friend - just be yourself. Children are more perceptive than many adults realize, and they resent insincerity.

·         Single parents often struggle to find and meet other singles. They have even more difficulty finding a partner who will accept their situation. Online dating is an ideal match making option for single parents. It allows men and women to find each other based on common interests and values. There are many thousands of single parents searching for love, and online dating provides a great platform to browse through singles profiles to find an appropriate mate.

·         As with anything in life, clear thinking and communication is fundamental to making things work. As a non-parent coming into a relationship with someone who has kids, you don't have to profess to be skilled in raising kids. And if things work out, there's every chance you'll become part of a new family and find romance at the same time.

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Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/5448070

Challenges of Single Parent Dating

One of the biggest challenges in single-parent dating is competition for the parent's attention and affection. The children may be used to a level of focus from the parent that's hard to share with some new man or woman in your life.

And it's not just the kids who will pressure you as a dating single parent. The adult who you're dating has needs too. That person is going out with you for a reason: they enjoy your company and your attention and spending time with you.

So if you're a single parent who's in a relationship, prepare to feel caught in the middle. Get used to being there. And start accumulating some tools to deal with it.

• The child is, on one hand, expressing a healthy need for reassurance that they aren't going to be replaced or left behind. Reassure them that they are your top priority and always will be.
• The child is, on the other hand, learning from early on how to share. That includes sharing what every child thinks is his or hers to demand whenever they want: namely your undivided attention. That's not some sort of inalienable right. Sure, kids need and deserve a ton of your attention. But even in the absence of a new boyfriend or girlfriend, parents are entitled to say “This is my time now.”
• Teaching a child to share not just their toys but YOU is actually a gift you're giving them that will make life easier for them as kids, teens, and adults.
• Adult boyfriends and girlfriends need to share too. They are the ADULTS so should be mature, and work with you as you seek balance. If they don't appreciate that you're a package deal, the relationship can't succeed.

·         Dating can be a challenge at the best of times but can become a bit trickier when children are involved. This by no means indicates that single parents are not worthy of your time or effort. It merely reflects that certain different challenges may have to be looked at before you leap in to this relationship.

·         If the person you are considering dating has a long line of broken relationships in their past, this has to be evaluated very carefully. Usually, where there is smoke, there is also fire. Anyone who has a checkered or dubious relationship track record is someone who has issues not yet dealt with.

·         A second point to consider is the length of time the person has been out of their past relationship. Each relationship end is traumatic no matter what the circumstances. A person must grieve this loss and re-adapt to the single life before he or she is truly ready for a new relationship. People who jump heedlessly and quickly into a new relationship before properly healing from the last one can spell trouble for you down the road.

·         Supposing that your new intended has moved past all of these issues, what then is the next step? Be prepared to include the child/children in the relationship in small casual steps. Understand that the children usually have no choice in the decision to bring a new partner into the household. There may be issues of jealousy, anger and fear to deal with. This is both normal and understandable behavior and can be successfully dealt with.

·         Being open, honest and understanding can be a great starting point. If children are to be a part of your future, then they need to be assimilated into the relationship in small, easy for them to understand steps. You need to know upfront that these kids already have two parents, whether they are currently together or not. You cannot be a "replacement" in any way, shape or form. This is unfair to all parties involved.

·         If you decide to take this relationship to the "next level", be very sure you have discussed in advance any issues involving the kids. In other words, talk about values, expectations, parenting styles and rules. Who will be the disciplinarian in this scenario? What will your adult role/responsibilities be? How will you fit into the family structure as a whole?

·         Be prepared for your new partner to put the considerations of the child ahead of your own at times. If this person is a good parent you will need to understand that you may at times have to take a backseat to the wants and needs of a child.

·         Partners have to work very closely together with the kids to reconstruct a new family unit that is beneficial to all. Communication and understanding are vital components to make this a success. As a man, you cannot be put in a position of being nothing more than financially responsible for the kids. As a woman be very careful you are not simply a nanny or the chief cook. These scenarios are doomed to failure.

·         In summary, many single parents go on to successful and fulfilling new relationships. Remember that if it is worth having, then it certainly has to be worth "fighting" for.

Whether you’re a fifteen-year-old girl who’s out on her first date ever with the boy next door, or a forty-year-old single dad of three kids who’s out on his first date with a friend’s coworker three years after a painful divorce. Whether you’re a fifteen-year-old girl who’s out on her first date ever with the boy next door, or a forty-year-old single dad of three kids who’s out on his first date with a friend’s coworker three years after a painful divorce, dating poses a lot of challenges that need to be overcome before it can be exciting, as it is should be. However, the challenges for the single parent are undeniably greater, but this shouldn't deter you from testing the waters. Overcoming the challenges is part of the fun, and the first step is identifying what they are so that you wouldn't be caught off-guard. For your quick reference, here’s a list:

1.) Your children are resistant to the idea of you dating. You want to go out on dates, but your kids want the exact opposite. The best thing you can do is to have a heart-to-heart talk with them. Help them realize that although you’re planning to let someone else into your lives, they’re still and always will be your top priority.

2.) You don’t have time to go on dates. Even though this may be true for some people, for most, it is merely an excuse. You can squeeze in time for dating if you've completely opened yourself up to the idea. For one weekend, hire a trusted babysitter or ask a close friend to look after your kids. For once in your life, make time for yourself.

3.) You don’t know where to find dating prospects. You finally decided to try out dating, but you don’t have anyone in mind. It’s time to join organizations and clubs that focus on your hobbies and interests. By building your social network, you are also increasing your pool of possible dating partners.

4.) You think that not a lot of people would want to go out with someone who has excess baggage. You’re not very excited about dating primarily because you think your children are perceived by many others as an unwanted complication. Though that may be true for some people, but for others, they just don’t care if you have kids. The one thing they care about is whether or not you’re compatible with them.

5.) You want to protect your children. You meet a wonderful person, but deep down you wonder if what you see is what you get. Don’t worry, you’re not paranoid. Stories of sexual predators and physical abusers may not happen everyday, but they do occur. To make sure that your kids are safe from shady personalities, get to thoroughly know the person you’re going out with before you let your kids get too close.

6.) You’re afraid to get your children emotionally involved. You’re worried that if you get hurt, your children will be hurt, too. This is one thing that’s hard to avoid, because as their parent, your kids can pick up if you’re feeling miserable. However, you can help lessen the pain in the first place by keeping your private life away from your kids’ eyes. They may know who you’re going out with, but they don’t have to know details about arguments and fights.

7.) You don’t want to be a serial dater. In the quest of finding someone you truly like, you may end up going from one person to the other if no one meets the standards you have set. Although for you this is just part of the process of finding someone worthy, you’re worried that you’re not setting up a good example for your children if you’re perceived as a serial dater. Again, talking to your kids regarding the matter helps a lot. Being discreet about your personal life also helps, too.

These seven challenges are just a few of what you will encounter once you start dating again. As you’ve noticed, most of them involve your children. This should come as no surprise to you, because you know that your kids will always be your concern. To make things easy for you, make sure that your relationship with your children is a solid one with a good foundation. If you’re a great parent to them, your kids will be more supportive of you.

hmmmm....

In my Family Educator class, one of the things we did was create a blog.  The blog I helped co-author was called "Before I do".  It was a blog about relationships that were committed serious relationships considering marriage.  I being the only parent in the group wrote about commitment when it involves children and remarriage etc...  The University of Utah looked at all the blogs from the class and chose 3 to post on the University site for Family and Consumer Studies, Before I do was one of the 3.  I was super excited to be highlighted on the University site,  I periodically checked on the blog to see if there were new questions posed to my posts to see if I could answer them or give advice, I was saddened when I found that my group's blog had been deleted.  I have decided to create my own blog, and republish my blogs that I had on Before I do.  I also plan to continue to add more.  So sit back, strap in, and enjoy the roller coaster.....